as i sit down to write this chapter, to finish off my thesis – literally the last piece of the puzzle before submission – i find myself frowning a lot, and a knot in my chest grows and grows. it makes me restless, i want to get up, make a drink, or go for a walk, or not, or sit back down, i dont know. i come to write this chapter and my whole body resists. why why do this?? i want this to be done, but i dont know how to do it. all i have to do is finish… finish… finish…

i cant think straight. i cant think crooked enough to be clever though either. in my head over and over ‘i cant, i cant, i cant’. how do i stop that, it’s like a song? a bad earworm that wont get out. OUT damn song (spot).

i just got distracted writing this blog post. what does THAT say, that i cant even concentrate on this one little thing for a second. what the fuck.

getting up and doing anything else literally paralysing with guilt “you should be working” yeah well what good is that doing right now anyway? get fucked