as i sit down to write this chapter, to finish off my thesis – literally the last piece of the puzzle before submission – i find myself frowning a lot, and a knot in my chest grows and grows. it makes me restless, i want to get up, make a drink, or go for a walk, or not, or sit back down, i dont know. i come to write this chapter and my whole body resists. why why do this?? i want this to be done, but i dont know how to do it. all i have to do is finish… finish… finish…
i cant think straight. i cant think crooked enough to be clever though either. in my head over and over ‘i cant, i cant, i cant’. how do i stop that, it’s like a song? a bad earworm that wont get out. OUT damn song (spot).
i just got distracted writing this blog post. what does THAT say, that i cant even concentrate on this one little thing for a second. what the fuck.
getting up and doing anything else literally paralysing with guilt “you should be working” yeah well what good is that doing right now anyway? get fucked
Quick relfecx on going private
I went private because I am getting bored on twitter and I haven’t done it before thought id try it out
So here’s some quick thots:
- I get no RTs now. That’s a weird thing to ‘give up’ I guess? Idk.
- I behave 100% no different as private (so far) but maybe that’s bc its still all the same old followers? Mine is not a tiny account for gripes and stuff mostly I have escaped attention through Bayesian flooding – too much noise to make sense of any one thing that might “get me in trouble” with anyone I guess?
- Tons of my friends have no got multiple thousands of followers, even 10s of thousands, and sometimes that’s being a hassle. I said I was happy with my 1900 and I also wanted to see if that really was the case, whether “swearing off” the social-audience-growth elements of a twitter account would mean a “loss” to me in any way???? Can the “exclusivity” of a highly followed private acct do anything a public account can’t in terms of cultivating an audience – or a niche????
- I have been disengaging a bit from twitter for a while, just from exhaustion and boredom – a confluence of being overworked and mad stressed, and also from kind of being bored of twitter having the same arguments, the same kinds of engagements, the same slightly misconstrued miscommunications. I guess I’m getting a little tired of the knee-jerkyness of twitter sometimes too. Like maybe this is part and parcel of me trying to do really deep thinking in my thesis and twitter is not really helping that habit/desire/need etc.
- going private means NO ONE who doesnt follow you will see tweets you send to them. in one sense this encourages disengagement but in ANOTHER sense I now want to tweet shit at people and only my followers will see it?? prviate jape???? (theres potential here but idk what it is)
- Plus, god I hate saying this I love you all, but fuckin hell I follow some iditios on titter
- What is my theory of social change? Ann Deslandes asked this on twitter a while back and I guess I don’t have a good idea, but I guess I thought (think?) it involves some kind of role for myself as a public person, public intellectual, well what if there isn’t room to do that justice on tiwtter or in public anywhere in the parts of public life that correspond to Jodi Dean’s description of ‘communicative capitalism’ stuff – endless circulation, all content, no message ever responded to??? (but even that is a particular critique only applies to, I guess, governmetns or states??? Not to individuals and small groups or corporations?? Cf. the Mozilla CEO – Mary Hamilton had the best take)
- Graeber argues that the Axial age advent of coinage (and the military/imperial/commercial complex that grew up around it) as having the effect of somehow giving birth to, or encouraging materialism is really fucking disturbing and giving me the heebee jeebies. Its like putting on the glasses in They Live and seeingthe ideology, but it’s also strangely, what I’ve been trying to conclude in my thesis and its really just leaving me with MORE questions about my role, my thinking, my aesthetics and what I do in practise…
i hate men doesn’t mean i hate you. it means i hate your position in this world. it means i’m not obligated to like you. it means i don’t have to talk to you if i don’t want to. it means i get to have my space and i don’t have to dance for you, smile at you, or soothe you. and you can put up with me being wary of you, can’t you, because the world has a fucking red carpet waiting for you wherever you go.
Incredible, moving stuff, and the kind of thing that it took to really get through to me back-in-the-day. I do feel bad tho, knowing how many people out there just will not get this, and will not understand it, will not comprehend the depth of meaning and the nuance and, above all, i guess something like the literary character of this piece… that’s not to say that it’s only to be read literarily, or as an allegory or something – i read it as entirely sincere. but there’s a performative element, and element that maybe derrida would jizz over and say was “unrepreesntable” or something like that god fucking dammit why does everyone have to be so literal, so bloody minded all the time idk idk idk sping around three times and touch the ground bags not it.
its a worthy piece.
(Actually this isn’t a particularly great snapshot of what i’ve been working on, more like the stuff I wish I had time to be working on)
if someone asked me right now and forced me to answer honestly, “will you miss gdc?” i would have to answer “not especially.” this is not because it wasnt good or great or amazing – it certainly was all those things at times for me. and its not because i wont miss the people, because i will. instead its because i cannot really have normal human responses right now. as ive mentioned to a couple of people, i am just so completely overwhelmed and overshadowed by the entire thesis object, which looms over and above me, blocking out all the light and any ability to see and live normally. i have been living with it, in this final interstitial “finishing” phase, for over a year now and it has restricted my ability to anticipate and enjoy anything fully. its a terrifying gradual process and i had no idea what i was getting into when i started… i had no idea this was going to be the result. I cant even imagine how long or what it will take to get me back to being me again. such is its force that it prevents me from envisioning credibly anything post-phd… maybe it will only take a day, or a week, from handing it in. whatever, dont go having any strong feelings about my situation either, its no ones fault but mine and its not the end of the world… its just a numbing, a deadening of the sensory responses by the always present knowledge that it’s not yet done. it literally sucks all my ability for anticipation because i literally want nothing else more than for it to be done. but that want is not a fiery want, its more like a smouldering coal fire, deep underground that changes the geological makeup of the local environment. there might not be much felt heat or smoke, but its there… underground… waiting… working…
also theres something a bit disenchanting about being at GDC without having done anything really vital in the scene for so long. i didnt really have anything to tell people about or discuss excitedly. im not making a game, not reviewing games, not even critiquing games, barely even publishing about games… its fine, im pivoting, but its weird. its always been weird. who the hell am i in games anyway? who was i and who will i be? are these questions even worth asking? …
shoutouts to some amazing people this week who managed to penetrate even my soporific stupor: richard lemarchand who literally brings tears to my eyes when i think about him sometimes. harry lee who provokes similar feelings and admiration. my friend brendan keogh who is basically a rock of a human being, does anything upset that man? who can say. michael abbott who is a fucking rock star. laura parker who is completely and utterly fearless and charming. kris ligman who deserves a better world than this one.
shout outs to everyone i hung out with and shout-outs to all the other really cool people who i didnt get to spend as much time as i would have liked to, too many to name, too many to note.
Actually it wasn’t terribly anything, except terribly bland.
But, there’s one tiny issue with setting Matthew McConaughey up as our next great Christian idol. And, the problem is the movie he won the Oscar for. And pretty much every other movie he’s ever made. (Anyone remember a little film called Magic Mike?) According to pluggedin.com, Dallas Buyer’s Club opens with McConaughey’s character having sex with two girls at the same time in a rodeo stall. That’s only the beginning of the explicit sexual content in the movie. In addition to the nudity, masturbation, and pornography, the film contains over 100 f-words and God’s name is used as a curse word over 20 times. Read more: http://www.uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/03/matthew-mcconaughey-hero-christians-thanking-god-blog-lady-says-fast/#ixzz2vFc7qEkh
- When your post on a page attracts stupid or ignorant comments in a threaded reply, delete your own comment. The replies go with them. (Bonus points if you can set and execute a ‘honeypot’ for terrible comments!)
- When someone replies to your comment on a non-threaded post, delete all traces of your input. At the very least, you will confuse someone.
Your comments are your private domain in hostile territory. Practise comment autonomy today: delete your comments.
Demonstrate you recognize the politics of space and remove yourself.
something clicked last week and i’m done.
i’m done, but the thesis isn’t. yet.
the change is imperceptible, largely mental, and completely crucial. before the thesis was something i was terribly invested in, it was close to me, it was right here; felt.
today? it’s a million miles away, its on the other side of the ocean. i’ve divested of all but The Work left to finish it up to a point where it Doesn’t Suck Enough such that I can live with it.
mark the meaningless milestone
i wash my hands of this thing
you can tell its been good this past week or so hey
they’re not kidding around when they say it really does get wretched and intensely and panic-inducingly lonely
one of the really sad things is that i make myself feel better by promising myself something good (like a movie), and then once i feel better i dont do the good thing.
how disgusting is that?